Shrien Dewani on Validation as Leadership: A Lesson from This Week on Personhood in Practice

By: Shrien Dewani 

In social care, the most transformative leadership often happens in the quietest moments when we choose to recognise the human being in front of us before the problem we need to solve. This week reminded me that validation is not a soft skill; it is a form of leadership that shapes culture, protects dignity and strengthens the relationships our sector depends on. This reflection is for anyone committed to leading with emotional clarity, steadiness and respect. 

In @Evolve, we speak often about personhood not as a buzzword, but as a way of being. Much of this comes from the teachings of Thomas Kitwood, whose work continues to shape how we understand the emotional world of the people we care for, and equally, the people we work alongside. 

When @Eve Carder and I wrote the Connections Count series in 2019, we explored the idea of validation in depth. What we realised then and what feels even more relevant today is that validation isn’t simply a dementia care technique. It is a universal human need. 

Later, as we developed the Leadership Matters programme in partnership with @Indago Development, we made validation one of its foundational pillars. Not because it is soft or indulgent, but because it is a profound act of leadership. Validation stabilises relationships, lowers defensiveness, and creates the conditions for genuine learning and collaboration. 

This week, I had to rely on that pillar myself. 

A difficult conversation and a moment of choice 

A member of my frontline team came to me extremely upset about a series of events during her day. She felt let down and unheard. Her interpretation of what happened was not one I agreed with, but I could see how real her emotional experience was. 

And before I say anything else, I want to be honest: 

This approach does not come naturally to me. 

I am someone who thinks quickly, reacts quickly, and sees solutions quickly. For much of my career, I confused efficiency with effectiveness. I would move swiftly to correction or explanation, believing that clarity would calm things down. 

It rarely did. 

Over the years, I have had to learn sometimes the hard way that leadership in social care requires emotional discipline. I have had to practice pausing, listening, grounding myself, and recognising the emotion before addressing the issue. 

I genuinely stand in awe of those leaders for whom this skill comes effortlessly. I admire the natural de-escalators, the instinctive empathisers, the people who can instantly tune into the emotional frequency of others. I am still learning from them every day. 

But on this day, I remembered my training. 

I remembered Kitwood. 

I remembered what we teach in Leadership Matters. 

So before responding, I breathed, slowed myself down, and said: 

“I can see this has really shaken you. It makes sense that you’d feel overwhelmed after a day like this.” 

Everything softened, her face, her tone, her breathing. Not because I had solved anything, but because she felt seen. 

Validation does not mean agreement it means dignity 

This is the heart of personhood. 

We are not endorsing someone’s interpretation of events; we are honouring their lived emotional experience. 

Once her feelings were acknowledged, we were able to move calmly into: 

• What happened 

• Where misunderstandings arose 

• What support she needed 

• How we could prevent a repeat 

The conversation that began in distress ended in partnership. 

Why validation matters in our sector 

Social care is emotionally complex. Every day, our teams navigate stress, responsibility, grief, pressure, and expectation. It is impossible to lead effectively in this environment without emotional literacy. 

Validation: 

• De-escalates conflict 

• Protects dignity 

• Builds psychological safety 

• Allows learning to occur 

• Strengthens relationships 

• Reinforces our personhood philosophy 

This is why we embedded it so deeply into Connections Count and Leadership Matters. 

A message to those entering social care leadership 

If you are new to leadership or aspiring to it, I would give you this one piece of advice: 

Learn the skill of validating emotions as early as possible.  

It will feel uncomfortable at first. 

It may even feel unnatural. 

But it will transform every conversation you have with colleagues, families, residents, and commissioners. 

Leadership is not always about decisive action. 

Sometimes it is about restraint and emotional presence. 

And in those moments, validation becomes one of the most powerful tools we have.